3. Pants: Ugh, I guess I need pants. Blue jeans, dark wash because I’m tired of the light light wash.

4. Long-sleeve shirts: I want long-sleeve shirts that are like normal shirts, and I feel like you can only get normal shirts that are short sleeved. Made of normal materials instead of the industrial school material like when you get MERCHANDISE and it’s always scratchy because they’re trying to get you to buy more of their “good quality” clothes but they’re actually just made of, like, metal.

5. I have a very specific image of my wardrobe that’s, like, not achievable. So I never have any clothes because I hate everything and everything I want just isn’t real. What else do I need?

6. Sweatshirts: Pullover ones that have the like [flaps arms like wings] — I was gonna say bat wings, but I don’t want them to have bat wings. My school sweatshirts have squirrel arms, but too much. I could use some that have like a little bit of squirrel arms, instead of like full-on wombat.

7. I saw a cool shirt at Macy’s that was like, top knot, check. Jeans, check. And something else like obnoxious and Starbucksy. And I was like, that’s my ideal shirt, but I feel self-conscious wearing a top-knot to school because it obscures people’s view and I’m already so much taller than everyone else, and it’s like a second head. And I was like, I would feel weird wearing this shirt with a top-knot, but I’d also feel weird wearing this shirt without a top-knot.

8. Hats: Made of the same ideal sweater material and has one of those pompoms on top, but not in ridorkulous colors so I look like I’m four, like yellow. I like nude-beige so I look, like, sassy and also a-little-bit five but not all-the-way five.

My 9 Year Old Daughter’s Back to School Clothes Shopping List

1. Haz unicorns

Editor’s note: I wrote this post together with my top-notch 13-year-old daughter Addie Cope, and she approves this message. The photo features her little sister 🙂